March 4, 2013
There are stories that we tell ourselves that we believe, there are stories that others tell us that we believe. The only story that matters is your story on your life that only you can write...this is my "story in the moment".
We are putting our house for the last seven years up for sale. The reasons for the move make sense for us and we are ready...me as I found out, not so much. I was caught completely by suprise when we went to our first choice in Charleston SC to look for a landing spot when my fears came leaping out of my chest and causing frenetic zaps of reality. "Is this the end house",that one really caught me by suprise! Dimished capacity for activities, my mind whispered....you don't have a 30 year plan it cooed (LOL, never did have any kinda plan to speak of). So here I am standing in the light, staring at it like a deer. Time passes and we age but don't know it other than the annual birthday cake and assorted body aging awarnesses . A life event (hospitalzations and passing of friends, family members) awakens us and has us confront our own mortality, but at a safe distance.This was a clear demarcation of the next era or new season of life, one less to go.
I sat in this place and embraced it and tried to listen to what it was telling me. I did gain some clarity around the fears of the new season as a milestone and was still off center.
Then we went to Savannah GA to actually walk into some houses. Once again out of the blue, a deep down feeling showed me it's face. As I walked into the house for sale I was enthralled, no, I was freakin out of my head full of excitement at a new life that my wife and I could build here. Like newlweds out of the apartment into their first house excited. Anticipation of the future was bright and loving and filled with endless possibilities...like water flowing over Niagra Falls. The previous trip and exploration into my fears set me up to experience this moment. I didn't care about that stuff anymore, I was living in the here and now and what's possible. MMMMM
Now to the place that we chose to make our next home Davidson NC. A small college town with a buzz and vibe that we are drawn to and feel like this is were I am supposed to be. It's like my entire life has been lived to reach this point and the new season.
The experience that started this blog was a simple task in staging the house...turn all the lights on. I started flipping switches and wondering what they turned on and off....some of the switches had not been turned on in 7 years! In my state of awareness I began to think of my life like this house. What switches inside myself have not been used? What gifts have I let go dormant? I keep using only the lights that I need or have grown accustom to fulfill my purpose. What would it be like to use this light to illuminate my rooms instead of the lamp on the table? I am still chewing on it in the hopes for clarity and giving myself permission to move forward in a different way. Certainly the new house and people and space will call on me in different ways but what if I fight to bring the old small ways with me.
Something to ponder to say the least.
Go forth courageously...and turn your lights on!
February 25, 2013
As integrated individuals not only are our decisions made from an emotional and mental place, they also include a spiritual and physical area in our lives. Then let's add the people that are inside of you that you may not be aware of.
Did you know that so many people were inside of you?
The Inner Child: The child loves to play and have fun and just be in the moment but is also afraid of things that they don't have knowledge about. Have you noticed the fun side that comes out as the 9 year old (or whatever age you choose) interacts with new stimuli and situations. Things like riding a bike or climbing a trail or even coloring/drawing, the things we used to do that were just plain fun. The shadow side is that the child is not fully aware of things beyond the touch of their hand. These things cause fear and they can recoil from the unknown and is scared. The child needs to be reassured that they are not alone and that no physical harm will come to them.
The Adolescent: The teenager that loves to create and strive and find themselves in the world. Trying new ways to show their own uniqueness in world. When they don't get the love or support that the seek/need/want.... they rebel and tune out and hurt those around them as a way of releasing their pain. The wide eyed enthusiasm of the teen coupled with resiliency of youth does not tire easily and will persevere the passion of who they are and what really excites them. The flip side is when they feel rejection they can lash out at those that are near and loved. A feeling of being unloved can permeate their entire world and cause them to shut down and even act out rebellion at those who are perceived as stepping on their dreams. Actions are made from a highly charge emotional state and all else can be ignored. The term emotional intelligence comes into play here also as the adolescent begins to learn not to make assumptions/judgments and not to take things personally.
The Parent: This can be the most destructive inner part that pushes you and lashes out at you for not living up to their perceived standard. This is the pushy side that makes demands and chides the person for not attaining excellence. What is not released is the adult of caring and nurturing side that is physically/mentally and emotionally supportive. The loving parent in you is yearning to come out fully and magnificently and do what it does best....give you that unconditional support and love. As you begin to develop and evolve in this role for yourself, the pushy destructive parent becomes less and less freeing you to be care giver to yourself.
As you go through your day, see which inner person is making your decisions and controlling your emotions...
Up next the positive and negative ego...
Go forth courageously!
January 15, 2013
In the first part of this series we discussed "Choice" and how you are always at choice. People make an estimated 15,000 choices a day and are unaware that they are truly fully at choice.
Wikipedia's definition is: Awareness is the state or ability to perceive, to feel, or to be conscious of events, objects, or sensory patterns. In this level of consciousness, sense data can be confirmed by an observer without necessarily implying understanding. More broadly, it is the state or quality of being aware of something. In biological psychology, awareness is defined as a human's or an animal's perception and cognitive reaction to a condition or event.
This is about increasing the level of your own personel awareness and the different ways that you show it. It can be about the words you say and noticing the impact of those words, it can be about actions and how you "show up" in your day to day life. Transformative changes are rooted in the awareness that you are at choice. It can be an emotional-mental-physical-spiritual choice, the difference is you now know it and can act accordingly.
Being at a heighten state has served me well because I can see much more clearly the forces at work. Now I have more information to make decisions that are in alignment with my values (more on this later).
This is a necessary stepping stone in changing your life, how do you know what you want to change if your un-aware that you are actually making choices.
Be awake for your ride and enjoy the journey!
November 2, 2012
This is the first in a series (6) of the foundational coaching of Delta Transitions and how you can use this to empower your vision and move toward your genuine, authentic self.
How does that sound to you? Choice.
A simple action that reveberates through your entire life and yet is so complex and imbedded with perceived ramifications, fears, assumptions and judgements. And add to that some decisions are emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually (EMPS) based and can change from one to the other in seconds.
It is my perspective that if choices are made in alignment with personal values there is less stress, frustration and anxiety. The values that you honor on a day to day, moment to moment basis can be relatable to your outlook, general sense of well being. For example, one value could be nutrition and physical wellness. So if I say "Yes" to having pizza, I am also saying "No" to my values. The external indicator is that when I step on the scale or pants are tight, it causes frustration that I am not maintaining my ideal physicality. If I had said "No" and when I put my pants on and then see the resultst of my choices, I feel good and reward myself with an acknowledgement of "I did indeed honor myself".
The very first step is ownership of your choice. Yes, there are external forces that are at work at times and I recognize them. You choose how you view people, organizations and problems ( I prefer creative challenges). Is your perception based judgement or assumption or even fear of how you will look to others. Sometimes we assume responsibility for others thoughts and feelings and they color our choices and we can choose to compromise our value system for others.
Ok, let have some fun with the next step. When an opportuinity arises today ask yourself "What are my choices and which ones honor myself and my values" or in short "What am I saying Yes to and what am I saying No to"
This will lead into our next topic "Awareness"
Go forth courageously!
October 2, 2012
I was a returning guest to January Jones web radio program and spoke to the topic of coaching and the DiSC assessment.
That's the factual headline of what I did, but there is so much more to that.
As it says this was my second time on the show and I was shocked that it was so soon (I had planned to circle back later this year and ask to be on the show again). Part of the interview was about Flight 1549 and how it affected me and my wife. To me this is a stale topic and there is still interest in it, so much that when I was on previously, January had her highest ratings.
I made up a high level outline and sent it to her so we would have something to follow and keep it fresh and unrehearsed. I offered to coach her during the the 2nd ten minute segment and she accepted! The question was "What would be the one thing you would like to change about yourself". That question has universal appeal since everyone has something they want to change about themselves.
I had know idea what she would say and January chose "Yo-Yo dieting" (where your on a diet lose the weight and go off the diet and gain it back). I am familiar with the concept but am not a nutritional or well being coach and I drew myself fully into the moment. "How is it serving you?" I asked. Based on her reply's to several different questions we came to the point of "What are you saying "yes" to, and what are you saying "no" to. I could hear in her voice that when she was reaching for something not on the diet she would ask herself "Am I saying yes or no to this food opportunity". The great thing is that in that situation she is fully present and aware when making that choice and she can use that tool for the rest of her life.
Feel free to listen to the whole interview by clicking the below link....Enjoy!
September 12, 2012
I was a guest on a talk radio web blog (my first ever as a coach) and as usual my default behavior is to be prepared as much as I possibly could. So, a half hour before the airtime I started to jot down some salient points that I would want to speak during the show. Guess what....it all went out the window during the show!
Here's what happened....I became fully present with the host right in the moment of the show. I did not know the specific questions (we had a general idea of the topic's to touch upon) and I ditched my notes within the first 3 minutes. I allowed myself (or gave myself permission to inhabit this state) to be with what was present rather than my inclination to steer the show to what I wanted to talk about.
I can't give a specific check list of mental items like a flow chart (if this, then this, if not, then this) that I went through to arrive at the different state of being that I was being called to but the awareness that I was being called. What did this new state call for me to show up as? I didn't know and I felt my entire being fully present in the moment, 100% and letting the show develop rather than bring up what I thought the listeners might want to hear.
As I listen back to the recording of the show I can hear the shifting of gears from managing to the fully present state and the aliveness and connection with the host. If I would of maintained my intial disposition the recording may have been different and more stilted/staged and that would of easily been picked up on by the listeners.
How do you develop awareness, by just being in the moment and listening/feeling and not thinking!
Here is the link to the recording, you may have to cut and paste it in your browser. At the bottom left of the screen is a option of "play" in your default player.
Go forth courageously!
September 5, 2012
What is your vision?
Here are 3 tips to help keep it alive and attainable:
A sticky pad with writing on it that relates directly to your vision. Put it on your mirror in the bathroom, sticky on the milk carton in the fridge, on your computer screen. By keeping it in a tangible form that you see, it will keep it on your mind and right in front of you. Reinforce your daily desire to make your vision real.
Question your actions if they are indeed in alignment with your vision. "How does this serve me" or words that you can create that keeps your vision with you at all times. Notice how you feel when you may forget your vision or leave it behind or when you open the fridge and see what you wrote on a sticky.
Lynne Twist wrote about "blessed unrest" and this is a milemarker that you are moving toward your vision. The more uncomfortable it feels the more you areare actively pursuing your desired vision. This is not a "No pain, No gain". The yardstick to measure this more effectively is how much freedom are you feeling and energy that is released back to you.
Do not think you have failed or can't do this. We just need to build up that muscle of keeping your vision from being lost in the day to day, infront of you.
This is where you "stay" with the emotions and mental challenges and do not retreat or give up. Dig your heels in and fight like you never have before. You are not "broken" and are naturally creative, resourceful and whole. You have all the answers (the are just covered up with other peoples junk, your own limiting beliefs and your undermining voices that tell you that you can't). Press on, your vision is awaiting you.
July 13, 2012
I recently celebrated my 17th wedding anniversary with my wife Susan. While we were out having dinner she asked a powerful question that I am still struggling with a month later. She asked "What would you consider the high points of our marriage"? As we talked it became apparent that all the events that we offered were all in a reactionary mode and how we made it through it and how we came out on the other end. I said "We have been living our lives on a scale between 4 and 7, what does a 8 or 9 look like"? It was truly a dial tone life.
What popped up next is that the 8 or 9 includes a greater chance of failure or risk that we can't manage and have to confront and deal with. We recently went ziplining which was a pro-active choice and provided a great relantionship bonding experience. Instead of talking about doing something, we made plans and did it.
3 easy steps:
Find something new that really resonates with you and chose it with the mentality that you are committed to see it through. It can be anything and the sky is the limit!
Now that you have made your choice, what steps do you need to take to make it happen. Set a timeframe to complete whatever tasks needed to reach your prize. If you need help, do not hesitate to ask for it. One of the greatest attributes of a leader is to ask for help (it is NOT a sign of weakness but of strength)
To truly change your life you can use this exercise in any area of your life.
For me, I am thinking about going parachuting....it scares the beejeebers out of me just thinking about it and clearly would be a 8 or 9!
Go forth courageously!
April 17, 2013
As I begin the move to interim living arrangements before our new house is completed, I feel the overwhelming desire to chuck it all in and stop living the lie. I am deciding to live the life that I want to and not the drive for success, push-push-pushy social media gotta do gotta have goals achieve achieve yada yada yada.
I am going to become more human than ever before and talk to people and smile. Engage them in their thoughts and dreams. I am going to stop trying to change them and accept them for who they are in this universe. I am going to pursue things that interest me not what I should be interested in. I am creating my world to contain people that I love and that love me back and stop trying to gain acceptance from those I think I need to be around or be like. "What is your USP"? Oh you don't know what USP means? It's "unique selling proposition" GAG! How about if I just let people find me and my big heart and cheesy smile and the steely resolve to pursue the things that really light my fire. Read more
April 25, 2012
What is Transformative change? Well, let's start with an easy concept "Incremental change". You know that one because most of your desires that you want to attain are used in the process. They are called baby steps that lead to the end goal. It is broken down into manageable pieces and by accomplishing each one... Viola, you have attained your goal. Sounds easy in theory but let's look at the ingredients that may be needed. Time, commitment, dedication and support come to mind quickly. Transformative change requires the same but on a much deeper, personal level. It is about "being". Yup, just the awareness that you are always at choice in everything you do and what you choose is either honoring or betraying your own unique value system. That's a sure way to add anxiety and stress to your life by saying "yes" to something that you would normally say "No" to.
One facet of Transformative change is about getting rid of the self limiting belief's that we have been telling ourselves for years. For example, "Your too young/uneducated/old/poor/unattractive/lack confidence/everything I touch goes to ruin"....get the idea? Let's debunk some of those myth's by asking "Who told you that"? You are part of this universe that is present right now in this moment and posses your own unique style that nobody else has. What was modeled for you growing up by a parent or caregiver no longer applies. What you experienced in the 6th grade that formed you is like the buggy whip...outdated. You can release that mentality and develop your own that enhances you right now in the present. What's the trick? By being aware and fully present in the moment and ask yourself in that moment "How is this serving/honoring me and my values" or "If all prior actions don't color this moment/decision, what would I do differently"?
In building your personal change, let's embrace the very first concept...you are ALWAYS at choice on what you say/think/feel and it affects Read more